I read way too much internet relationship advice, and as I’ve said before on here that much of the dating/relationship advice from the Internet is garbage. Click bait bait articles with numerical titles are some of the most annoying advice columns.
Now I promise you I’m a hypocrite here. Little miss DrBB, social science professor extraordinaire, falls for this bait way too often. I’m a sucker for an article that has a number in the title because my lazy ass likes to read a list. Mind you, my students would get Cs and Ds for writing their term papers in list format. But these article proliferate relationship advice columns, and I’m a sucker for them–“4 Reasons He’s Not That Into You,” “12 Ways to Make Her Scream in Bed,” “5 Reason Women Would Rather Masturbate Than Sleep With Your Sorry Ass,” “3 Reasons Even Narcissistic Asses Like You Can Win at Dating.” Ok, ok, I made those up, but you know what I’m talking about.
These lists are so tempting. Who gives a rat’s ass about the intro or conclusion, let’s just scroll right to the list. Lists are made by lazy writers on deadlines for lazy readers scrolling through timelines. It’s the worst kind of writing–it’s devoid or transitions, and it’s full of bold print, which makes it even easier to be a lazy reader. It’s something you can read quickly during your 10 minute wake up visit to the toilet each morning. You can sit on your throne reading the “5 Ways to Make Every Man Fall For You” while taking the quickest dump of your life.
But wait there’s more. Ok, I sound like an infomercial now, but I cannot be the only one who’s fallen for the click bait list article only to find out that I can only read each number on the list by clicking to another page. Sites are doing this to get more page views and serve you, the reader, with more ads. If the list is all on one page, they get one page view and one potential set of ads for you to view, but if you’re reading the article “22 Reasons Your Small Penis Can Still Get the Job Done,” they can potentially get 22 page views from you, especially if the tag line under the article reads “Number 19 Blew Me Away.” You’re trying to get to number 19 on this little dick article, so you can get blown away. However, number 19 just can’t come quick enough, and while small dicks interest you either because you have one or you’ve encountered a few, you don’t have the patience to wait that long to be blown away. Hell, I’ve got limited data, it’s not just about patience for me. I don’t need to reload pages 19 times to be blown away by a small penis, and then get charged an extra $20 at the end of the month just to read about some little penises doing big things.
And last, if you’ve made it this far and you’re looking for you six bullet points, sorry sucker. There ain’t no list. I just said that to get you to click, but at least I didn’t make you click on 6 separate pages to get my point across, and if you read this on your throne, I hope you had the best dump of you life. Carry on and continue to click on those lists.