I’ve temporarily retired from the dating app game, but I’ve promised myself that I may pull a Michael Jordan and come back out like a hasbeen superstar. That said, I feel like I have enough experience to dish out useless advice to all 5 of the newcomers to the world that is online dating. I’m a hetero chick, and I’ve really only explored the profiles of men who like women. Well except for the 5 times I tried to size up the competition by trolling women’s profiles, but for the purposes of this column, let’s pretend that never really happened. One of the challenges we ladies face is decoding the profiles of men.
I have decided to put all of my personal experience and the social science PhD I have to good use, so that I can save the hetero and bi women of the world a a little time and a lot of headache.
I’ll do this by playing a game of What He Really Means. The rules are simple. We look at men’s dating profiles and try to figure out what they are actually telling us. Since I’m not trying to be sued for defamation, all names and photos have been changed to protect the assholes.
Let us begin
- What does he mean when he says “I’m back.” What he really means one of two things. He may mean “you bitches better be grateful that I’ve graced you with one more shirtless bathroom mirror selfie or one more useless photo of Manchu Pichu (insert other famous international land mark here).” He may also mean he keeps striking out at this dating thing. And bonus answer: He may mean I’m a perpetual player with a minor dating app addiction.
- What does he mean when he says “he’s a dreamer at heart.” What he really means–I have no job and I’m 35 going on 22. And bonus answer: I haven’t had a legit job in 5 years.
- What does he mean when he says “I’m looking for something serious.”: What he really means is he’s bitter and has been burned one too many times or he may be trying to send a signal that he’s a little bit less of a fuckboi than his peers on the app.
- What does he mean when he says “he’s looking for a relationship” What he really means is are you DTF (that’s down to fuck for everybody over 40). Never fail to further interrogate these claims because damn near every profile says they want a relationship. Any hetero guy with 2 brain cells knows that when he says he wants casual sex or a hook up his odds of finding a chick to allow him near her vagina goes way down.
- What does he mean when he says he’s a nerd. What he really means is that he’s a nerd. This claim should generally be trusted; however, if he says he’s sapiosexual that just means he likes to fuck over unsuspecting highly educated women.
- What he really means when he says he only likes fit women. What he really means is he’s an asshole who’s into skinny chicks.
I’m going to stop for now, and I’ll come back at a later date with a few more rounds of What He Really Means. Please feel free to enter your own submissions in the comment section.
Signing out for today,